Just cause it's Friday!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood, don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage
him to watch some type of sport event on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 9 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

Salagatle!

Great T-Shirt

Salagatle!

GATIEP - for my South African readers

- the line is lost in any attempt to translate - sorry!

Innie Court
Regter: "Hoe kan jy onskuldig pleit as 5 mense jou sien steel het?"
Gatiep: "Djou Honour, ek kan thousands bring wat my nie gesien steel het nie!"

Gatiep se Voicemail
My bra, Gatiep is nie available nie.
Los djou naam en nomma en ek stuur vir djou a "please call me".

Gatiep innie skool
Juffrou vra vir Gatiep: "Jou ma het 4 aartappels, julle is 9 kinders, hoeveel aartappels gaan elkeen kry?"
Gatiep: "My ma's nie stupid nie, sy maak mash!"

Die tou
Gatiep sleep 'n tou die straat af en loop verby Maraai. Maraai sê vir Gatiep: "Hoekom sleep jy die tou?"
Gatiep: "Het djy al 'n tou try stoot?"

The one and only
Gammat word aangekla dat hy vir Meraai 'n BIETS genoem het.
Tydens kruisverhoor sê Gammat: "Djy't da' boe oppie balcony gastaan, en ek da' onner innie straat."
"Ja," sê Meraai.
"Daar was mos baie mense by djou oppie balcony," sê Gammat.
"Ja," sê Meraai.
"Nou hoe wiet djy dan ek het met djou gapraat?"
"Omlat ek die enigste BIETS daar was," sê Meraai.

Selle ou storie
Die Regter kyk vir Gammat in die oog en sê:
'Dis nou die 6de jaar na mekaar dat jy in my hof in die beskuldigdebank staan.
''Djou honour,' sê Gammat, 'moenie vir my blame omlat jy nie promotion kan kry nie.'

Massa
Juffrou vra vir Gatiep om sinne te maak met "gewig" en " massa ". Gatiep se antwoord:
My pa sê vir my ma, "Djy moet gewig veloer djou vetgat".
Dan sê my ma, "Djou massa moer!"

Salagatle!

AFTER MAKIN DA LUV

The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches
above da bed in ecstasy".

The French man replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze
love with ze girlfriend
Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lickzer soles of her feet wiz
mah tongue and she floats
12 inches above zebed in pure ecstasy"

The South-African says, "Broe, that's nothing. When I've finished pomping my
stukkie,
I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my tollie on the
curtains.
She hits the f#kken roof, eksê!!!"

Salagatle!

It begs posting

This brought tears to my eyes!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S
NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Salagatle!

Cause it's Friday!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking fora box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came backwith a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own.......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Salagatle!

Kids, dogs, and petrol

A little girl asked her Mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mum replies, 'No, because she is on heat.'
What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home.'














Salagatle!

Little old April's fool!

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.















Salagatle!

Sisters of Darkness!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
A sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
Second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
Past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
Far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
The door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
In a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
Possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
Passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
And tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
The door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
Through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
The door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself
Back in the parking lot facing another sign:




GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER


Salagatle!

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both DOGS.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


Salagatle!

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David / Hearts - Charlemagne / Clubs -Alexander, the Great / Diamonds - Julius Caesar

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2,
but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Salagatle!

Is this guy really African (can't say black)

WAY TO GO, BILL !!














"They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...

And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2 ? ? Where were you when he was 12 ? ? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol ? ?
And where is the father ? ? Or who is his father ?
People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something ?
Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up?
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body? What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa . With names! like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap, and all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job. Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.

We cannot blame the white people any longer."
Dr. William Henry "Bill" Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.

It's NOT about color... It's about behavior!!!


Salagatle!

Ever wondered what "eish" meant?

In South Africa (for all my foreign readers) we have an expression which started some time ago. It started probably amongst the younger generation, African (it's not PC to say black) group, but quickly caught on, and is now used quite commonly by all. It's usually used by the European (it's not PC to say white) population, when mimicing a typical African reaction!

Here's an example of an "eish" moment...............!!!!

Salagatle!

A "pick me up" tip

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Robert Mugabe ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma
I HAVE GOT RID OF QUITE A FEW PEOPLE ALREADY!!!!!!!!! IT WORKS……………….


Salagatle!

I cannot for the life of me

Imagine how anyone can drink "Klippie's 'n Coke" without ice!!

Salagatle!

School in the 50s / 60s / 70s vs. School in the 21st Century

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1950 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2005 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principals office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2006 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.
1950 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2005 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.
1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.
2006 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1970 - Ants die.
2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1950 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2005 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Salagatle!

What to do?

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
...
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
Cop: 'He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!'

Salagatle!

From the Princess (where does she get this stuff?)

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors;

Dudley, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Dudley and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Dudley and Darren managed to get through it and, after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Dudley and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So they buried Deidre.


Salagatle!

In Honour of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Pick n' Pay's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On Clicks Children Cough Medicine-- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On a Woolworths Bread Pudding-- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On a Clicks hair dryer - Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Simba Chips -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary! Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dove soap - "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)

On some Checkers frozen dinners - "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (please note that it's just a suggestion.)

On the packaging of a Rowenta iron - "Don't iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (..I'm taking this because???....)

On some brands of Christmas lights of Eastern origin : "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, please help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

Instructions on a SA Airways packet of peanuts - [1] Open packet; [2] Eat nuts. (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (Don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On Woolworth's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom ) "Do not turn upside down." (well... duh, a bit late, huh!)


Salagatle!

The Princess has a strange grandma...

I received a letter from my grandmother last week. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Princess,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! " What an exuberant Cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and I started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Margate back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way.. with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked your cousin George in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Zulu good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Zululand, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. George burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them.After all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Zulu good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonders.

Love, Grandma

Salagatle!