Another Friday "Feel good offering":-
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days".
I told him, "I wish I had your fucking will power"!
TOP TIP: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, ----- it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today...
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, "sorry about the wait".
I said, "don't worry fatty, you are bound to lose it eventually."
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner; I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
Years ago it was suggested that 'an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.