Emotional Turmoil - I

It was whilst I was sitting in the church, looking around at the other mourners, and waiting for the service to start that my head went into overdrive. WHAT THE FUCK?

Man, what are we doing here? What is it all for? For those who believe in God, there is the expectation of a life hereafter. The belief is that even though we mourn their passing, we believe that they have moved on to a better place, and so we take comfort in this.

But who's to say? I suppose to a certain extent I am questioning my own belief, but then why shouldn't we? What if there is nothing after death? What if all we have been taught as Christians is false? Just the musings of some clever con artists, perpetuated over time, and which grew into this international thing that drives and controls the lives of millions of followers each day?

The minister preaches about the passing into heaven. great, you think, the old man's better off there then, not that he had it badly here but....

Yet, is it really there? For someone like me, it's a twixt and tween situation. I'm to scared not to believe in case it is true, and if you get it wrong here you're basically fucked after. So what's the harm then in believing, and hoping that there is an after life. Once you die it's either:-
Thank God I did it right, and now I'm here to enjoy it all, or
There's nothing, and you don't know any better cause your dead!

Then there are the service prayers. They are all prescribed (this was a Catholic Church funeral), so the preacher reads them off from a book. Prescribed, boring, outdated. Why can't we be more original, speak from the heart, say whats to be said in our own words? I think that's more like it happens in the newer charismatic churches, and for me that's maybe the way to go.

Then it's over. The pall bearers walk the coffin out, it's put into the hearse, and then it's gone. Everyone lines up to meet and greet the family, then each other, and then everyone goes into the hall for tea and cake.

Are you really sorry? And if so, what are you sorry for? You didn't do anything to the old guy did you? Yet, everyone says "Hi, I'm sorry about your Dad" or something to that effect, and the family member responds with "Thank you, thanx for coming".

Fuck it. My words were,
"I'm so glad I got to see him on Sunday afternoon before he died, and he's better off now, no more suffering!"
FUCK - what did you say! Are you mental, how can you say that.
Well it's easy, cause that's how I feel. That's what I was thinking. Yea, I'll miss him, he was a great old guy, one of my late Dad's best friends. I've known him forever, and now he's gone. But, I'm glad that seeing as he had to go, it was quick, and he didn't have to suffer (or his family for that matter) for months on end.

Maybe I'm the one that's got it wrong, but then I'm the one who in his last days prayed for my Dad to die! Not that i didn't want him around, but cause I wanted an end to his suffering. That's the reality of it.

BTW - My sister was also there. No conversation passed between us. No problem.

Many other Italians were there, many of them getting on in years. Almost none of which I have any contact with, or with their children, so when they die I may, or may not get to know, and get to attend their services, and thereafter, I probably will never have any contact with their children again. Sad. These are the pioneers of the 50's, the "brothers in arms" with my parents. But, we young one's just didn't have the same "history" that united us, so in most cases we hardly know each other.

I still have more questions than answers, and much crap floating around the brain. But, maybe more later.

Salagatle!