Disappointment in life is, well, difficult to work through. I know we all disappoint someone sometime. if I think back, I was a big disapointment to my Dad plenty of times. But when it happens to you, well, it's not so good.
What to do about it though? We set expectations of each other. We set expectations of ourselves. But if you don't meet your own expectation it's acceptable, in a way. It's just a realignment of your own expectation. But when you are let down by someone else, it's different. Like your kids. You set up limits / expectations / parameters within which they operate. Some would say you prepare them for life, by teaching them that there are restrictions, there is responsibility.
based on their ongoing delivery against your expectation, you grow to trust them. You relax some of your conservativeness, and allow them more space. Till they disappoint you. Then what? What do you do? Scream and shout, throw your toys, swear? Beat them? Send them to their room till you have had a chance to calm down and then discuss the issue with them.
I don't know the answer, and I suppose it's dependent on the severity of the transgression, but suffice to say that as a parent these times are the ones that test us. I suppose, coming from my background, I suffer from mixed feelings about this. My Dad would just have beat the crap out of me, and I would have got the message. It didn't mean I corrected the fault, it just meant I didn't get caught again.
Another factor for me is that I left home when I was 16. So, I wasn't parented after that - Yea, Mom and Dad were there to help me, and advise me, but basically I was out there, doing it my way. Which means I don't really know how a parent should treat a "living at home scholar" teenager of 16 yrs more or less......
I know none of this is making much sense, but it's just me getting rid of some stuff. Disappointment. Not an easy place to be.
Salagatle!
3 comments:
Hi,
I think I know what you are going through. I left home when I was 18. I have 2 daughters 18 and 20. My 20 year old at the moment is very difficult to deal with. We are paying for her university and books and most of her expensives. I found out she dropped most of her classes except for one. She goes out late at night, she is rude and messy. She has friends over and empties the fridge. She never asks permission for anything she just assumes that the house and everything that is in it is hers. She is driving me nuts. I too left early to be on my own and I just happen to say to my husband that I do not have a clue on how to mother a 20 year old. I have other friends that are in the same predicament. Nowadays they just dont leave and parents start feeling resentful and guilty. We are thinking of selling the house and buying a condo too small for them. It worked for some of our friends. It also causes fights between the hubby and myself. I think its time we get our lives (and home) back!
a2z, we're not quite there yet, but the situation is similar. It's just so damn frustrating!
Salagatle!
I recall reading about a similar problem a father had with his son a while back. Can't remember the exact situation, but the piece I remember is that instead of throwing his toys/venting/beating/grounding the boy, in the openness of the family lounge, with the entire family present, he gave the boy a long hug, nothing said during it. Somehow, it sorted out the problem...
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