We don't talk anymore

I wrote this poem in 2012. I never dreamed that it would mean so much. But reality is, I was not listening to my gut, and that's my fault. I just trust and hope that I will get a chance to to fix that which is broken!


We don't talk anymore
Like we got nothing in common
nothing to discuss and share
Other then the daily niceties

Good morning is met with
A meaningless Mumble
And good night is no longer
A kiss and a hug

We don't talk anymore
Cause I'm scared we start fighting
I have a bad feeling inside
That this is all going to end

Maybe we past talking
Maybe it's just a bad place
But if left unattended
It's going to be too late

Work, kids and finances
Are what keeps me down
But maybe you don't see that
What do you think is wrong?

We don't talk anymore
And that's really bad
Cause it's taking us further apart
And will leave us in despair.

Talk to me, even if it's bad
One way or another we
Have to address the issues
We got to get this sorted.

Salagatle!

A lot has changed in the past 12 months, and more so in the past 6 months.

But more on this later.
For now, I'm please to say I have got the poetry bug back again. Some of it good, some of it "dark". It is a reflection of my soul!
This one I wrote for my best friend / brother, who was told end November 2014 that he has stage 4 Cancer, and basically he had weeks to live. After a grueling year of treatment, chemo, and the typical side effects that go with this, he is now 100% healed! I must add, he is a soldier for God, and his faith did not waiver for one minute. He had cancer of his glands, and bone marrow. The Isolation refers to the specific period, at the end of his treatment, where he had to be in isolation for 4 weeks. Prognosis was that 80% plus patients get an infection, and septicemia! If this happened, he would have to stay in hospital longer. Also, there were no guarantees that the treatment would work. Finally, he has no immediate family from where they could take "clean" blood to treat and put the cells into his system, so they farmed his blood, cleaned and treated it, took out the cells they needed, and transplanted it back into him. He is known as the miracle man at Groote Schuur hospital!

Isolation

Twenty one days in isolation

Just me, the hospital staff

A television, I-pad, cell phone

Just me, my Bible, and God

Isolation, it was a scary thought

Chemo, tablets, pipes and things

No touching, no contact

Just me, the Word, and God

Reading, Journaling, Praying, Trusting

Faith in my Lord and saviour, Jesus

His hands on my body, His words in my mind

Just me, God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit

Isolation, time to reflect

Quiet time to reflect

Time to write, Time to repent

Time for God

Sick. Vomiting. Pain. Needles. Pipes. Medicines

Cell transplants. Infections. Bleeding. Pain.

Blood. Pain. No sleep. Pray. Trust.

Just me, God and Jesus

Daily blood tests, more medication

Sore body, no freedom from pain

Reading, and reflecting

Praying, just me and God

Isolation, lonely days

Long nights, no voices

No visits, no noise

Silence, just me and God.

And all this time He is working

Healing my body, healing my mind

And all this time He is feeling my pain

Holding my hand, guiding the doctors

Isolation, alone.

No, never alone

We were four in that room

Me, God, my Lord Jesus, and the Holy Spirit!

Salagatle!

Depression - Imagination?

Depression, destructive
Overwhelming mental condition
Eating away at your sanity
Creator of physical stress

Endless churning of thoughts
Deprivation of sleep
Tired, stressed, worried
Think through, think through, think

Depression, decaying thoughts
Resistant to resistance
Provoking, consuming
Flight of sanity

Churn, think, process
Working through the dark
Depression, Imagination?
Is it just in the mind?

Salagatle!

My Princess

I met you one a sunny day
While you were playing hockey in the street.
Were you really playing?
Or, were you waiting for me?

I remember you in your school "pinafore"
With your hair in a tight, high pony
I remember you were laughing
Looking ever so sweet.

On my bike I must have looked promising
Like one of the real boys out there
Your Dad didn't think I was suitable
But you didn't seem to care.

For years we fought their resistance
And made plans to meet everywhere
Our friends made all things possible
But somehow, your folks knew I was there

We've taken the plunge together,
So many years ago now
And done the impossible
And the probable, and the rest

Success in life is measured
In many different ways
Mine is measured in 22 years
Of being married, to you, my Princess.

This road of ours is not yet over
The challenges of life remain
Our years together fly by faster
As we continue with our dream

I know it's not been easy
But damn it's been some fun
It's been a roller-coaster ride
And we have more to come

Two, kids, two dogs, and two cars
A home, with lots of space
Soon it will be me and you
And memories of that place

I'll always love you Princess
More than you will ever know
I need you, trust you, want you
I hope you need, trust and want me too.

Salagatle!

You make me proud

How do you measure your pride
When you feel so overwhelmed
When your son does more than expected
When, no matter what, he delivers

How do you tell him what you feel
How do you hide that tear
What is it that we want to say?
What is is that we can say?

I say I love you, and thank you
I say, "You make me proud"
I know that's all he's wanting
But still feel it's not enough

I'm a proud dad today, again
Proud that you are my son
Proud of how you raised the bar
And made your goals come true

Go out there, my young man
And shine in your own light
Me and your Mom, we are
So very, very proud.

Thank you LuckyL!

Salagatle!

It's a bad place to be right now

You might think were doing ok
And might be envious of our situation
We laugh and smile and entertain
And everything smells like roses


The reality though is not what you see
You got to be standing next to me
To see the challenges that I face
To know the depth of this despair

You don't seem to understand
You can't fathom the extent
That the cost of living
Is challenging our very existence

It's a delicate balancing act
but this rope is getting thinner
So making it across is nearly impossible
The rope is going to break

Reality is not very pretty
Everything is at risk
The wolves are coming closer
We have no more defense

We'll keep on fighting the system
And try to make ends meet
but reality is stronger then wishes
And we're losing the battle, that's sure.

Salagatle!

I don't give up easily

I don't give up easily, but everything has it's limit
I've let you make decisions, and you got it wrong
I tried pulling you in again, and initiated some restraints
But you seem to be ignoring them, and do what you want anyway.

The long and short of it is that even though I care
And worry about what the final outcome is
It's not my problem anymore. You must decide
What your future could look like, and then follow your mind.

I know it's not all roses, not easy and too much
But think of having to struggle through life like me
Just because you didn't make the effort to improve
Yourself now, when you have the chance.

It's not for me that you have to do this
It's all for your own good, life's not all
About clubbing, having fun, going out, and games
it's a really tough, dog eat dog world out there.

I'm not giving up on you, but am releasing the leash
You will have to learn life's lessons in your own way
Just like I did, 35 years ago, and I was younger then than you now
And still today I have not found that which I know was mine.

So, from now on, you are on your own.
Completely at your own mercy. I can't do this anymore.
It's not fair on me, or the family
We have lives of our own you know.

Best of luck then, in your venture
Forever you will look back and say
If only I had listened then
life would be so much easier today.

Salagatle!

Turning 17 - 23 March 2010

Turning 17

Our baby turned 17 today
And as bad luck would have it
He, with his brother, is away
Having a well deserved break at Sun City

I still remember your birth my boy
Like it was yesterday
I remember my tears of joy
17 years ago, today

So different from your brother
Yet similar in many ways
You strive to be individual
Ans so surprise us, every day

I'm blessed as a Dad to have you
As my son, one of two, all mine
As you make me laugh and cry and smile
And frown, and shout, and pray

I ask and pray for your safety
And guidance through this life
I know that you are blessed
My boy - Make the most of your special life

So, as you go forward into your future
With and open mind and heart
Take heed of all of life's challenges
Remember, you're here just to play your part

I Love you, LuckyL
And thank you, for being you!

Salagatle!

Turning 50

Turning fifty is a milestone
Not many think to achieve
It's rather overwhelming
It's half a century!

So much time has passed
Since birthing till today
So much of life has come and gone
Time, wasted away?

The memories are flooding back
Faces long not seen
Memories of good and bad
My life, all on a screen

My achievements are all up there
And all my failures too
Some make me proud to see
Some will make me weep

But most of all my family
Must be my proudest feat
In the winter of my life
They still surround me

Choice of friends, successful
Some long ago, and still here
Others touch and go
A burden we must bear

Overall a happy life
Along with all it's trials
And know that I intend to live
Another one just like it.

Salagatle!

For my buddy

I wrote this in the comments section of a buddies blog as a response to his post. He writes like a demon - I mean - damn good, and he's been through some tough times, and now he's sharing his experiences with us, his followers (we not readers here). Some of you will know who nhe is, and others will see my comment anyway, but as it's a poem (yea, been a long time) I'm posting it.

Fighting the demons

This boy's doing it for himself.
Years of self abuse
Stuck in the dark mindless space
Known to some as - Utopia.

Feeding of his own existence
Losing all self control
Needing to be seen to suffer
Is that the driving thing?

Kicking the habits not easy
Support from all is good
This Scot's got the goodies
To kick it - to clean his act.

Not for the general population
Not for the woman of his dreams
Not even for his mother
This is just for him.

Salagatle

Today is the day of reckoning, your D-Day

Today is the culmination of the event
which changed our lives forever, in July 2007.
Today is the day of reckoning, your D-Day.
Today is the day you pay!

You still don't know who I am,
Or what you have set your self up for,
Suffice to say, your only saving grace
Will be the legal system.

If you are lucky, you will be found guilty
If you are lucky, you will go to jail,
In a strange turn of events, failure to
Be incarcerated will more probably be your death.

I see "my" child, I feel her pain
She shouldn't be there, doing this
But she's the brave one here, the victor
For what she has to say will ensure,
That that justice is done.

You do not know my anger, You really don't
For this sin you will pay the ultimate price.
My family expect it, and the ethos of Omerta does too
Your time is up, you evil scum - You Do Not Know My Anger!

I am my father.....

Feel the anger build,
shouting, threaten
lift the hand that feeds
now it's beating

Anger, flaring out
fear in his eyes
tears in his eyes
my son, scared

Shouting, reprimand
reason and explain
cry, try, slap
see the pain, feel it

Feel the anger
lost control
feel the violence.
I am my father.

Salagatle!

Times are tough

Times are tough for everyone
No one now is spared
Even those who are wealthy
Can feel it, that despair!

For some it's just financial,
For other's, well it's more
About keeping body and soul together
Whilst the world around them roars

The planet is unstable, it's
Running on extremes
And everywhere you look
Are the remains of shattered dreams!

I know that time is changing
I know some will survive
What I don't know however
Is who will or won't arrive!

Salagatle!

Disappointment, not a good place to be

Disappointment, not a good place to be
Wondering, what if it was me?
What did I do when I was there
in that place he's in right now?

I have my expectations,
And it's not really that much
But I did have my opinion
Of who I can and cannot trust.

It's not that it's so serious
it's not even a big thing
But when I'm disappointed
By you, it really hurts.

I have my hope set high
For what you will become
But don't believe that you
Can do it your own way.

You may think you can fool us
You think your Dad is dumb
But fate has ways to turn around
And now see what you've done?

It's not the end of time
Nor the end of our worlds
But this will change the way
We do things from here on.

Salagatle!

To the emigrants of the 50's

Packing up and leaving,

yet, you were so young,

Off to an adventure

Off, to lands so far.

Leaving behind your family

and everything you know

Going to darkest Africa

Going to where, you don't know

Speaking foreign languages

These young men were brave

Not for them the comforts of home

Not for them the drab.

Africa in the 50's was

just the place to be.

Work was always available

Even for you and me.

Even through the 60's,

70's and 80's too, you

never considered returning

this now was home to you.

You are the true African

for in your heart you knew

Never to return to Italy

was what you chose to do.

We who remain here now

Wonder at this choice,

For even as I write this

Decisions to leave are made.

It is no longer friendly

And no, it's not my race

It's got to do with criminals

And with the race for space.

The true frontier was conquered

By you, and those like you

Our frontiers now are different

Ours are all man made.

Oh how I wish for wisdom

Like yours when you were young

To know then what you wanted

To know where you would succumb.

Salagatle!

I had to post this

Received from the princess:-He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard..
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
Salagatle!

I made the letters page

A previous post of mine, the poem You do not know my anger was printed in the letters page of today's copy of Zululand Observer. (18 Oct 2007) Just thought you might want to know.

Salagatle!

The light is in sight

It's sometimes easy, looking up

Into the distance, see the light?

Darkness descending, encompassing,
tightening, strangling

Day to day, you soldier on
Life's not easy, not friendly
Are we too casual? Too easy
Are we misled? Too sure?

Wreckless abundance
Wasting our days
In search of that freedom
In search of that way?

Is it inevitable, that we
never learn, that the end
comes before we succeed?
Are we too trusting?

Never at peace, never too sure
Are we to ever get to that light?
Is this the answer, sit back and wait
Or must we forever strive?

What is the purpose, of all of this
If the light keeps on moving,
The days keep on passing
And the end is never in sight!

Salagatle!

Picture taken from Google images - no permission requested - posted in good will.

You do not know my anger

Do you know who I am?
Do you know what I am capable of?
Do you know what I will do to you?
No, No you don't, but know this
I am your judge, jury and executioner!

You do not know my anger,
Nor do you know my name,
But soon YOU will be in danger
Soon, you will be shamed
Soon, but maybe too late.

The courts of law protect you
And only jail will save your life
For I am here, and I will hunt you.
Know this, that I am here
And forever you will fear.

Your deeds will not go unpunished
Judgement day has come,
The anger in me, and the fear
In my family, and the fear
In your victim, for all this you WILL pay!

You do not know who I am,
But I know who you are
So forever, wherever you are
Look over your shoulder
And see me there, and be afraid.

You do not belong in society
Your criminal deeds are sick
You did not know my anger
You don't know who I am
I am your judge, jury and executioner.

Salagatle!

Past and present love

We met when we were children
in a different time and place
We loved the wild experience
And shared the open space

For many years you were there
we shared a bed and home
We had two special children
As a family we were one

Then illness stole your life
it stole a mother and wife
It broke that special bond
It left us out to die

Now I have moved on my love
And the boys are all grown up
I've found there is another love
I can love once again

There can be no one other
Than you to Mother my boys
But now I now that I can
Be loved again, once more

I never will forget you
And we will meet again
But life moves forward, darling
With, or without you

I know I have your blessing
The boys have blessed me too
Your mother, father and brothers
And friends, and others too

Salagatle!

This is written especially for a special friend. You know you are dear to us, and now your new love is too. All the best, and thanks for sharing your life, and loves with us. Hope this poem is accepted for what it is.