Afrikaans is beter

From an email:-

Krisjan: "Goeie more. Maak vol met Super, asseblief."
Attendant: "How much?"
Krisjan: "Vol asseblief."
Attendant: "I only speak English Sir!"
Krisjan: "Noooo problem.... Good day to you, Sir. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."
Attendant: "Hau?"
Krisjan: "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke English?"
Attendant: "English..... that, she is not English!"
Krisjan: "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognize the language which you allege to be your singular means of communication?"
Attendant: "Hau?"
Krisjan: "Let me attempt to elucidate in the most elementary terms your paltry grasp of the English vernacular is frittering away the time at my disposal, or, as I would put it, in a more civilized, intelligible language...."
"Dit is fokken duidelik dat jy Fokkol van Engels weet. So, kry jou slapgat in rat en maak hierdie bliksemse kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou moer, want jy mors my donnerse tyd!!!!!!!!! Verstaan jy nou?!!"
Attendant: "Ja, Meneer. Vol, Meneer? Afrikaans is beter, Meneer"

You gotta luv it!

Salagatle!

Brother Robert - and my non racist thoughts

At the latest SADC meeting held this week, (http://www.citizen.co.za/index/article.aspx?pDesc=45857,1,22), our dear friend Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, our norther neighbour, was welcomed with a standing ovation.

Now opinions vary, but in general mostly it was shock and horror that this man who has supposedly single handed destroyed what was once the bread basket of Africa could be welcomed as a hero!

Now, in my personal, uneducated and humble opinion, I really don't understand what the noise is about. it is my opinion that Africa could do with another 20 - 30 guys just like him, doing just what he did!

Crazy I hear you say. Well, my theory is as follows:-
1) Starvation is the norm in Zimbabwe. If this could be multiplied 20 - 30 times in other countries, we would see a massive drop in "numbers!
2) HIV / Aids is rife in Zimbabwe (but then so is it in South Africa) - increasing the infection rate (due to poverty and having nothing better to do than shag a slag) would increase the mortality rate!
3) When everything is finally destroyed, and there are few citizens who care, the original "oppressors" can then return, and rebuild, and prosper!

Crazy you say?

Well, in my personal opinion, I don't believe that Africa has a future! There is no way that this continent will ever become a powerful economic force as long as the current state of affairs continues.
I believe that within the next 20 - 30 years there is a strong possibility that even South Africa will once again have a "White" dominated government.

And no, this is not a racially motivated statement / posting. It's a real long look at reality. It's an open statement to the powers that be that if they do nothing, this is their legacy to their descendants.

Zimbabwe is but the start, and if the powers do not take a stand (democratic) and ensure that this situation is not replicated, then they are sure to fail, no matter what they think or say.

The power does not lie with "the people". It does not lie in the government seat. It lies in the ability to differentiate right from wrong, good from evil. it lies in the hands of all those who want to see a successful Africa, without prejudice of colour/ race / sex / creed.

All of these, I think, are not evident today.

Salagatle!

My brother

is celebrating his 16th wedding anniversary today! Congrats boet! May you have another 50 like the last 16!

My niece turned 15 yesterday! Congrats! Hope you live to be 100!!!

This is what he got his wife (or she got him)

Salagatle!

Caskets / Coffins

I just spent about 25 min. on the net looking at caskets / coffins. No, before you lot get excited about a free piss up at a wake, it's not for me. I have been toying with the idea of getting into the manufacture of these items.


Currently, (according to poor stats) there are about 900 people dying of HIV/Aids in South Africa everyday. With the other deaths (natural / motor accidents / murder, etc) it must be close to 2000 plus a day.


Not everyone can afford those hideously expensive boxes, and as such there must be a market for cheaper, but nice, versions. Now I know there are guys out there already servicing this market (that sounds weird / sick), but there must be a space for one more. Cheaper / faster / neater.....


Let me tell you what, there is a lot of info. to be had on line, but not too many places give sizes and / or drawings, but I have found some and will be putting together a materials list for a friend in the hardware business to give me a quote. Then we can work on less about 10 - 15% for bulk buying from the wholesaler and see where we can come in.


A call to the local funeral parlour should give me an indication of current market pricing, and then we will have the information required to make a decision one way or another.

Basic, entry level model - can be plain or spray painted

A bit smarter, again plain or spray painted.

Something different - also simple but smart - plain or spray painted.

Got the pics off the net. Thanx to the contributing companies.

Will keep you informed.



Salagatle!

Rules of pooing at work

I received this in an email from the Princess:-

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Above picture taken off Google - no, no permission requested, hence my referral to them.

Salagatle!

We fired the maid!

Yup, this morning the Princess (and I) fired the maid. She's only been with us about 2 months now, but we suspected that she had been getting into the cane / BBacardi rum / and the Southern Comfort. Not that the levels in the bottles had dropped, but that the bottles had been moved and turned and not put back where they were put by me the night before. She was on strict instruction not to clean / dust / wipe / touch the bar, and I set it up so that if she did we would know. And she did and we caught her out.

Now it's not like I care about the booze, but if she's "stealing" the booze, what's to stop her getting into our our other things, and making little things disappear.

Well, we paid her off, explained why, and she's gone.

It's so difficult getting good help these days, no matter what you pay. And being able to trust them is the least you expect. Considering that they don't find work so easily, you would think they would do what it takes to keep their jobs once they get one.

So, we are maidless, and looking.

Salagatle!

BARRY HILTON ONE LINER

One of SA's favourite stand up comedians is Barry Hilton. I've seen one of his live shows, and he's fantastic.
Here are some of his lines:-

1. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy. I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over: nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and the button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such and ugly kid. When I played in sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend
9. I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm so sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid.There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join the bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up: what's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can get my kite in the air?" he told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the newspaper 4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap: he was in the electric chair.

Thanx Seaman for the email.

Salagatle!

Justice?

A few weeks ago the news was full of a story about some stupid ignoramus farmer who had cut his Husky puppy's head off with a chainsaw cause the dog had killed / eaten his bird (African grey / Cockatoo / Macaw....? Who cares).

Anyway, he was charged, appeared in court, and instead of prison time, the judge gave him a stiff fine, and that was that.

Much complaints from the SPCA (or whatever they are called here).

Anyway, this morning on the news I heard he had been killed in a car accident!

Justice or what? Not that I don't feel for his family, but.....

Salagatle

This one is for the brothers......

Salagatle!

And finally

this weekend (damn it was busy) we installed the new security camera, just need to run the cable to the TV now.

We installed the upstairs intercom system (been on the shelf for 30 months)and we changed the passage light fitting - or tried to. We bought a new one, and when I fitted the globe the whole globe holder thing fell apart. So I took the whole contraption down again, and will be returning it to the shop for a full refund today.



Salagatle!

The bike project

We also managed to get some work done on the bike. Well, more like stripping it further, but whilst we were waiting for the bar counter pieces to get stuck, we had to do something. To recap, the guy who sold it to me had seized the engine due to running it without 2 stroke oil. Now I know why. The 2 stroke oil tank is under the cowl behind the seat. It's locked, and there are no keys, so he couldn't top it up. What a cunt!

Before the weekend.....

After the weekend.....

So, I did what all good bad guys do (as in the movies), I drilled out the center of the lock, causing it to collapse into itself, and then extracted it. Then I inserted an allen key into the "square", twisted, and the top was opened!

Anyway, we stripped it down to bare basics, pushed it outside, and gave it a good cleaning. Much degreasing / water / scrubbing / elbow grease later, (all of the above done by LuckyL) and we have a very clean..... frame and wheels!

LuckyL stripping / cleaning / wondering(if this thing will ever be the same again....)

More cleaning..... he's hiding his face on instruction from the Wreckless Euroafrican!

Salagatle!

The bar comes along

So, what a weekend. Between myself and LuckyL we really got a lot done. First was the bar counter. Just to recap:-

I got a buddy to source for me an old school bench. It's at least 50 yrs old, Oregon pine, 30mm thick, 4.8m long and 440mm wide. They stripped off the legs and stuff, made sure all the screws and nails were out, and then cut it up for me into 2 x 600mm, 1 x 750mm, 2 x 1040 mm, and the off cut. (You work it out).

Me and LuckyL then cut it as needed to make the "horseshoe", as per my preferred design, and started glueing the ends together.

All the pieces (bar the off cut) cut, and laid together to check fit, and show the final layout for the bar counter. The idea is that you can have up to 6 people around the bar, and everyone can see and speak to everyone, as opposed to a conventional counter where you all sit in a straight line. Also, I will be adding a removable insert, with green felt overlay (like a pool table has) for the purpose of playing cards (poker / rummy / blackjack).

I bought a biscuit cutter tip for the router, rather than buying a biscuit cutter, and mounted same onto my table saw table. The biscuit cutter, or joint cutter costs in the region of ZAR600 to ZAR2500, and the cutter I bought was ZAR149 plus the mounting plate for the router another ZAR130, so overall cheaper, and works just as well, if not better.

Here is the router, with biscuit cutter bit installed, mounted onto the table saw table. Works like a bomb!

We joined the 2 first pieces with 2 x lemelo biscuits, and Ponal wood glue, and clamps to test our skill and design.

The first two pieces, joined together and clamped to set.

More pieces into the puzzle, glued / joined / clamped.

I've never done this before so it was trial and error, but it worked. So over the weekend we did the other pieces, and by Sunday afternoon we had the whole thing assembled / glued / setting, so we can start with the sanding and then the routing of the edges this week working evenings.

4 pieces joined / glued / clamped together on the left, and the other 2 pieces on the right.

All the parts now glued / joined / clamped. Waiting overnight to check how it set. On first measurement it seems we are slightly out of square, but then it's made by LuckyL and i, so it's probably not going to be perfect, but it will be different!

It's really starting to look good. I managed to use the off cut as a "side leg" to the bar counter. This will give it a ? shape, but adds some under counter cupboard space, and also makes it a bit more different (as if it needed more)!The rest of the design is still in my head, and is dependant on what I can get for free, and what I have to buy.

More to come.

Salagatle!